This Damn House

Having spent yesterday afternoon at a labor union event, listening to the evils of exploitive employment practices, I'm feeling a bit defensive. So we, the management here at TDH, would like to take a moment to explain ourselves.

While it is true that we hire non-union workers to do stoop labor at below minimum wage, we think this is more than compensated for by the fact that

• All our employees are documented US citizens
  
• Compensation includes room, board, clothing, tuition, daycare and allowance
  
• We offer complete health coverage with no premiums, deductibles or co-pays, including both traditional care and alternative therapies (such as boo-boo kisses)
  
• Our workers are never asked to work more than 40 hours per week, including homework, but still qualify for "full-time" status
  
• We have a very generous benefits package, including holidays; summer, winter, fall and spring vacations; company provided cars (choice of Matchbox or Hot Wheels) and/or bicycles; unlimited sick days; and a generous toy budget
  
• Worker safety and cleanliness are our top priorities. All safety procedures are followed rigorously and and we have a 0% rate of major injury
  
• TDH promises unparalleled job security; in our 10 year history, we have never let an employee go
  
• Company culture provides for excellent working conditions, gentle discipline, unconditional love, and a "break room" with a full complement of video games